A best friend’s welcome home party or a random wing night. We all have those events where we go out to eat in groups, unless you’re Steven Glansberg. No matter how many times we dine in formation, we always repress the awkward moment when the check arrives.
The stares, the whispers, the cold sweats, and wallet fumbling. Which category do you fall into? Here are Seven Deadly Dinner Guests who always show up to a dinner party, hopefully not ruining the night until it’s just about over.
1. Greed
The friend who over looks the menu and claims they JUST ate more times than anyone cares to know. No one realizes, but this is the pre-escape plan speaking. They only drink the house tap, eat almost all the free bread, and then order only appetizers. When the bill comes, no surprise they suddenly have their Doctorate in Accounting.
2. Lust
This friend can’t seem to decide between 3 different appetizers let alone their main course. Eating with their eyes rather than their guts, they order whatever catches their imagination at the moment. When the waitress comes their eyes light up, scanning the steam as it leaves the plate. However, once the bill arrives, the pouting begins about how they barely touched their undercooked mozzarella sticks.
3. Sloth
Just like the animal, you can’t help but love this friend’s calm demeanor. They show up late, smelling exactly like the reason why they are never on time. Since everyone else is already eating, they can scope out the table to gauge what the bill might amount to. Steak spotted? Sweet! Time to unleash the munchies.
4. Wrath
This person is super sweet, setting the vibe while breaking bread. It isn’t until the bible verse receipt pops up that their neck starts extending. Their hand is out, insisting you pass down the bill. As soon as it gets to their hands, you realize why they’re in this category. Shots are fired, subs are thrown. Everyone is super uncomfortable, except for Sloth of course.
5. Envy
The one random person someone invited along (we’re looking at you Wrath). They claim they don’t know the birthday girl and refuse to split the cost. They make it clear it’s not fair she eats for free since “we’re all grown”.
6. Glutton
They are responsible for the steak on the table. They are on their third cup of wine, taking full advantage of the discounted price they are about to get all this food for. They even reach over to pick at some of Lust’s orders. No complaints once the bill comes, they just wish they didn’t wear high waisted jeans.
7. Pride
Last but not least we have this guy. Responsible for the prepayment speech. They collect everyone’s cards and came with a wad of cash for the tip because in their mind, it's not that serious. This is something they make sure the table knows. They have no shame in explaining the plight of a waitress, as everyone at the table rolls their eyes and waits for them to shut up.
Whether they are all at the table at once, or just a few show up, it’s always good to plan things out with this in mind. Advise anyone inviting a guest that the bill will be split evenly, like it or not. It’s safe to do this always, but especially with someone who isn't accustomed to the group's norms. Send it through mass text, put it on the event page, just make sure everyone knows what to expect. Carrying cash shouldn’t be advice, but we are all guilty of relying on plastic way too much. This helps with any tips that will be left and usually is more convenient. Lastly, the key point is budgeting. You don't want to be that guy fidgeting with their napkin hoping you don’t get an overdraft text in six seconds. If you can’t afford the festivities, there is always next time!
Besides that, raise your glasses and treat yourself.
